Texas Chainsaw 3D: "Welcome To Texas Motherf**ker"

Director: John Luessenhop
Writer:    Stephen Susco
               Adam Marcus
               Debra Sullivan
Starring: Alexandra Daddario
               Trey Songz
               Tania Raymonde
               Shaun Sipos
               Thom Barry
               Paul Rae
               Marilyn Burns
               Gunnar Hansen
               Dan Yeager
Rating:    *

Release Date: Out Now

Sometimes I have to wonder what is going through the minds of movie producers in Hollywood. They consistently churn out awful sequels and remakes of classic horror films, sequels that lack the depth and shock value of their superior original. What's more is they have decided to add this film to the long list of shiteous movies already attached to the once respected Texas Chainsaw Massacre brand. We had the remake, and then the prequel; two films that were bad enough on their own, then this preposterous movie turns up and really shows us how to make a bad film properly.

So the film starts where the last film left off, our heroine escapes the clutches of Leatherface (Yeager) and his cannibalistic family, and soon alerts the locals to the sadistic clan. This is where we pick the predictable tale up. The locals storm to the house and proceed to burn it to the ground, killing everyone inside it; well nearly everyone. Left alive are a baby, which is Leatherface's cousin, that a couple take home (remember this), and of course Leatherface, but the townspeople don't know this yet. Cut to a few decades later, and we meet Heather (Daddario) and her group of friends. They are taking a road trip to Texas, where Heather has been informed by a mysterious relative that she has inherited a house. Of course when they arrive at the house things go crazy and basically Leatherface slices some bitches up. All except for Heather; now remember the baby from earlier, and you'll figure it out.

Alexandra Daddario
What we have here is an extremely predictable film (I mean that is the most overused twist in horror film to date), a completely unlikable set of characters and some cheap scares and scenes that lack the tension they so crave. Our lead girl, our scream queen, our heroine fails miserably to conjure any sympathy or compassion from the audience, and I actually just wanted her to die about half way through. What happened to the days of Sydney Prescott, Laurie Strode and Nancy Thompson, they were the real survivors; the original scream queens.

Alexandra Daddario is just a cheap knock off of a good thing, and really was one of the biggest failings of the film. For some reason at the end of the film, she decides to completely forget the fact that Leatherface has just sliced up and murdered her friends, and instead moves in with the psychopath so they can play happy families. She acts as if they should stick together because they are family, but the whole concept just falls flat and goes against every fibre in my being. The other big issue with the story was the decision to have Leatherface become some sort of hero at the end. It is comoletely ridiculous, they have the sheriff letting him get off for free, him saving the lead girl, and somehow not being the most evil character in the film. Again what happened to your Ghostface, your Michael Meyers, your Freddy Krueger; these are pure evil, maniacal murderers who are genuinely scary. I mean Michael spent god knows how long trying to kill his sister, but Leatherface can't kill the cousin he hasn't seen in 20 odd years. No thank you Hollywood, I'm not buying into this bullpoo.

This film is so infuriating, that I am going to stop the review here, because I could ramble on for days about how awful this film is (did I mention the clichéd use of 3D). I can't be bothered to carry on about it, so lets just leave it at this; avoid at all costs.
Texas Chainsaw 3D - Trailer