Fifty Shades Darker: "I Don't Know Whether To Worship At Your Feet, Or Spank You"

Director: James Foley
Writer:     Niall Leonard
Starring: Dakota Johnson
                Jamie Dornan
                Eric Johnson
                Eloise Mumford
                Bella Heathcote
                Rita Ora
                Luke Grimes
                Victor Rasuk
                Kim Basinger
                Marcia Gay Harden
Rating:    *

Release Date: Out Now 

Urgh, the second one has arrived. Following on from the first films awkward sex scenes, lack of chemistry and completely naff script, Fifty Shades Darker has hit cinemas, and middle aged women are getting fizzy knickers globally. I am genuinely not sure why people are eating this nonsense up, it isn't particularly sexy, the characters are one dimensional and the script is completely naff (needed to clarify that), but for the chance to see Jamie Dornan slam a plank of wood from behind, ladies come in hoards (possible pun intended).

Dakota Johnson & Jamie Dornan

A film about an intense relationship between two polar opposite characters needs to have depth to it for it to actually be interesting, unfortunately this film is about as deep as a muddy puddle. The two stars, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan, have absolutely no chemistry; you're basically looking at two actor deliver lines back and forth, with neither of them actually feeling what they say. Dornan is a good actor, as his work in The Fall has proven; however Johnson is basically a plank with legs. She is devoid of emotion or passion and in a film about passion that is kind of an issue.

They are surrounded by one-dimensional supporting characters, none of whom are interesting or add any intrigue to the story. It's quite a sight to be seen, a film full of actors, where none of them act. The most entertaining part of the film is watching Kim Basinger try and grimace her rigid face to convey any emotions. I don't know what she has done, but you'd think an actor wouldn't want to stop the part of the body that shows emotion from working.

Kim Basinger

The script is of course full of some of the worst one-liners in cinema history, well apart from maybe the first Fifty Shades film. It is a script that doesn't flow, makes you cringe, and now they've tried to throw in some twists and tension to up the ante. This isn't necessarily the screenwriter's, Niall Leonard, fault; but when adapting you script from a book that was written by a horny Twilight fan, you only can do so much. E.L. James is honestly the worst.

I know why people went to see the first film, even I went out of curiosity, but if you can avoid the second...I would. It isn't interesting, and it has even less sex than the first. If you're hoping from more rampant red room scenes, and whips and gags; there isn't really any of that anymore, and instead they try to make a relationship happen between these two shambolic people. Ladies, if you're going for a naughty night out with the girls, you're more likely to get tantalised staring at a pair of pigeons going at it outside your window. 

Fifty Shades Darker - Trailer